I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
