Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Come share oat with me in your robe
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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