I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
