can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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