In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
