I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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