I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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