sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
