I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
