I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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