Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
