So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
