You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
