So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
