Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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