thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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