Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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