i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
