tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
