Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
