She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
time to smoke my breakfast
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
