Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
