mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
