I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
