Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
