i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
