I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
