she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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