What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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