when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Plan B is the new Plan A
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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