i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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