Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
