the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
