I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
