I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Your topless pictures make me question reality
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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