He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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