Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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