Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
