Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
