dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
