I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
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you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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