i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
