well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
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