If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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