It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
