Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I don't deserve a penis
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
