the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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