First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
