I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
my god I love twenty year old dicks
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