Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
