i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
