it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
this beer tastes like vomit already
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Randomize
