My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
