things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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