I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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