We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
