one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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