11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
