Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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