i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
